You could. [ a wolfish grin, because he knows they'd both like that. she's just like him, even if she looks like an angel standing beneath the golden sunlight, the light to embry's haunting dark. ] You could make me pay until you forget how much you're supposed to hate me. It might take a while.
[ it could take another five empty years. his smile fades as he's punctured by the reality of what he's done, of what he's always done with the both of them. he's chosen to be a ghost in his own life, to walk away from the things he wants most, and neither of them know why. some days he can barely admit the why to himself, because it fucking infuriates him. it nearly topples him, some days, with grief. ]
You have to know... [ he swallows, his heart doing that skittish horse thing that it always does when he gets too close to the truth. ] I was going to come back to you that morning. I went to meet Ash for breakfast, to tell him all about you. And then I was coming back.
[ and that's where it went wrong. with ash. always ash, because that's where everything has always gone wrong. if he'd never met ash... who is he kidding? if he'd never met ash he'd be half a person, or he'd be long dead in some shitty valley in carpathia, his mother served some bullshit story of his heroism in the war when the reality of it was that embry moore would've died recklessly and violently and for nothing. ]
Ash knew you. And I knew he knew some girl he was obsessed with that he told me about back when we were in Carpathia, and I knew you were crying over some guy you were in love with, but I didn't know — [ he inhales sharply, a mirthless laugh tumbling out as he meets her eyes. ] I didn't know it was Ash Colchester and Greer Galloway. I never said a word about you. He brought you up from the party. He was a wreck from seeing you. He's probably told you all this by now, but the part I never told either of you was that I —
[ isn't telling the truth supposed to make you feel better? he feels worse and worse the more he talks, a blade wedging deeper and deeper between his ribs. heat prickles at the corners of his eyes, angry and sorrowful, and he's never hated himself more while he stands before greer right now. he wishes he could redo that moment, only he knows he doesn't deserve that chance either, because he wouldn't trust himself to go back and make anything right. he'd just fuck it up even more. ]
I never told him anything. I never said your name to him. I never told him that being with you was the first chance at happiness I'd felt in a long time. Instead, I let you go. I let you go for him, and I know it was a shitty thing to do not to text or call or send a goddamn smoke signal, but I did it anyway. I didn't want him to find out that I fucked you first, that I took your virginity, because I could see how much he fucking loved you, Greer. And even though a part of me wanted to hurt him so fucking badly for going off and marrying Jenny... I couldn't. Because I loved him, too. And the thing with Ash that I hate the most is that he'll give up anything for the people he loves, so it falls on me to have to say no. And I'm not saying I made the right or fair decision to you, but I had to say no. I'm sorry, Greer. I wish I could take back the way I hurt you. I meant it when I said I wanted you with me for the rest of my life. I know you belong to Ash, but I still wish it was you and me.
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[ it could take another five empty years. his smile fades as he's punctured by the reality of what he's done, of what he's always done with the both of them. he's chosen to be a ghost in his own life, to walk away from the things he wants most, and neither of them know why. some days he can barely admit the why to himself, because it fucking infuriates him. it nearly topples him, some days, with grief. ]
You have to know... [ he swallows, his heart doing that skittish horse thing that it always does when he gets too close to the truth. ] I was going to come back to you that morning. I went to meet Ash for breakfast, to tell him all about you. And then I was coming back.
[ and that's where it went wrong. with ash. always ash, because that's where everything has always gone wrong. if he'd never met ash... who is he kidding? if he'd never met ash he'd be half a person, or he'd be long dead in some shitty valley in carpathia, his mother served some bullshit story of his heroism in the war when the reality of it was that embry moore would've died recklessly and violently and for nothing. ]
Ash knew you. And I knew he knew some girl he was obsessed with that he told me about back when we were in Carpathia, and I knew you were crying over some guy you were in love with, but I didn't know — [ he inhales sharply, a mirthless laugh tumbling out as he meets her eyes. ] I didn't know it was Ash Colchester and Greer Galloway. I never said a word about you. He brought you up from the party. He was a wreck from seeing you. He's probably told you all this by now, but the part I never told either of you was that I —
[ isn't telling the truth supposed to make you feel better? he feels worse and worse the more he talks, a blade wedging deeper and deeper between his ribs. heat prickles at the corners of his eyes, angry and sorrowful, and he's never hated himself more while he stands before greer right now. he wishes he could redo that moment, only he knows he doesn't deserve that chance either, because he wouldn't trust himself to go back and make anything right. he'd just fuck it up even more. ]
I never told him anything. I never said your name to him. I never told him that being with you was the first chance at happiness I'd felt in a long time. Instead, I let you go. I let you go for him, and I know it was a shitty thing to do not to text or call or send a goddamn smoke signal, but I did it anyway. I didn't want him to find out that I fucked you first, that I took your virginity, because I could see how much he fucking loved you, Greer. And even though a part of me wanted to hurt him so fucking badly for going off and marrying Jenny... I couldn't. Because I loved him, too. And the thing with Ash that I hate the most is that he'll give up anything for the people he loves, so it falls on me to have to say no. And I'm not saying I made the right or fair decision to you, but I had to say no. I'm sorry, Greer. I wish I could take back the way I hurt you. I meant it when I said I wanted you with me for the rest of my life. I know you belong to Ash, but I still wish it was you and me.